Jan. 2nd, 2014

fascinates: (unknown | violin)
It's been a while since I blogged or wrote about myself in length. My 2013 was spent in an entirely different way compared to the previous years, with changes so drastic even I don't know anymore how I survived through the changes I went through.

2013 is the year I actually got into liking Kpop, if you can call liking only SHINee liking Kpop in general. The onslaught of new information, new people, new things to try made me take a step back from my original fandoms so I can accommodate it properly. For most of the year I was out of touch with things I'm familiar with and tried out new things--a double-edged sword on my part. It's then that I realized how important fandoms are in my life. Like, there are only very few people I can consider friends outside fandoms. My Internet life is deeply associated with the fandoms I join. It's both sad and enlightening, to be honest.

It is bad that I failed to take care of my Vocaloid comm and responsibilities and right now I'm trying to pick up the pieces. But if there's a good thing I got from joining a Kpop fandom, it's that I finally got an opportunity to write again. In my other interests, the fanfic community isn't very active so it's hard getting leverage on writing. I've been on a dry writing spell for years. But since I joined a new fandom, the muses started talking again and ideas and creative juice flowed once more. If anything, I think I got my writing jive back and it helped me a lot even irl (at work).

As for irl things, this year for me is a long year of sickness and depression and overworking. I've been promoted twice but never got compensation. The management in our company are making drastic changes that we can hardly keep up. Once or twice, I've pondered on resigning (again) but to be honest, I feel bad for leaving something I really want to do all my life. It's not the job, but the policies that I'm having problems with. I know I wouldn't be able to find work like this anywhere else so I'm still trying to suck it all up and tolerate.

I've gotten sick almost every other month, with the last months from October to December being the worst because I've begun to have anxiety attacks and extreme sadness about the littlest things. I've gotten better recently, maybe the break from work helped, but I don't know what's in store for me in 2014. I'm wishing for better overall health and maybe I should get some help regarding my disposition.

This 2014, I'm trying out different things and do activities I don't usually do. One of them is to continue blogging. I realize that maybe one of the reasons for my heartaches is that I never talk about my problems anymore. Bottling them all up definitely made them heavier, so I'm trying to go back to airing my thoughts somewhere. I've also began chronicling my life in two ways, in a photo-a-day project in Instagram and in a small notebook. I'm trying to concentrate on just the nice things that happen. I've done well today and I hope I'll be able to continue it :).

My online presence is a mess and I'm still trying to organize my activities slowly. I'll definitely go back to [community profile] ofurotaimu and clean up, but I'm undecided as to whether I should still actively post there or take a step back. I'll have to check with the others to decide on it :D. I want to continue writing for SHINee, too, but on a lesser degree and with less pressure. It's a really stubborn community, their fandom, so I'm having a hard time following them. But it's therapeutic in a way and it's something I need at the moment.

But mostly for this year, I want to rekindle bonds with everyone, fandom-related or not. I want to meet up with people, have lingering conversations, talk about the most mundane things. If there's anything I deeply missed in 2013, it's the joy of talking to friends who are familiar with my quirks and habits. Meeting other people is nice, but nothing beats the casual conversations between old friends. So I want to somehow reconnect with people.

I'll definitely write more here (and probably lock it because it'll be more of a personal blog than anything) . I hope you wouldn't mind. It feels awesome to be back. Happy new year, guys! Let's work hard to make 2014 a better year for all of us.

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